I had bought a puppy, a white goldendoodle – named Ollie – nearly a year before Ben passed away. To rid of those super-sized wiggles Ollie had, I walked him every day. It was a time of serenity for me. It was a time that I could think about life, think about the future, and think about what was yet to come. I basked in the glory of God’s creation…even in the winter.

When Spring came along, as the beauty surrounding me on my walks with Ollie, things at home with Ben were spiraling faster than I could keep up with. The thought about life, future, and what was yet to come was solely focused on Ben. I prayed fervently to God as to what I could possibly do that I hadn’t already done. I asked God for guidance to know what to do, what to say, and what to offer for help for my son that was suffering more than I had ever seen. As a mother, I felt defeated. I felt like I had failed him. I truly had doubt in my mind on how my son, as an adult now, was going to be able to sustain himself and provide for himself with all of the challenges stacked up against him. How is he going to be able to cope? Will life eventually improve for my son? I prayed and pleaded to God to just give me Ben’s burden and carry it as my own. We had tried absolutely everything. Therapy, meds, hospitals, EMDR, psychiatric treatment of every kind, and even marijuana. Nothing worked. It was a hopeless feeling as a mother, and I just kept asking God to please help me! Tell me what to do! Why does he have to carry such suffering?!?!?

The walks were pleasant to release these feelings, as I wiped away many tears. It was my personal therapy with God. Around the second week of July, I met a friend on my walk. The first day we met, I was quite intrigued as it would fly from one chain-linked fence post to the next. As I walked, it flew beside me side by side until the fence came to an end around the ballpark. After a few days, I began to depend on that butterfly to be there at the beginning of the fence. Day after day, it would “walk” beside me. It made me smile. It brought such low spirits up while I continue throughout the walks my worries and questions to God.

On a Sunday afternoon as I walked out of the church doors, my butterfly friend flew right by me, and I could feel its body brisk against my nose. It started me, but I had this deep feeling and question – was my friend trying to communicate with me? Was my friend pleading with me a call to action? It stewed on my mind that entire day. I didn’t sleep well that night, and that following morning, my butterfly friend wasn’t there as Ollie and I went on our routine walk. It sparked an interest in me to begin to research what kind of yellow and black butterfly this was, and what might the symbols mean behind it.
I learned that this yellow and black with slight hints of blue and red, was a swallowtail butterfly.

⦁ They aren’t normally within the region of Utah, where I live. As all of us most know that butterflies are the meaning of transformation and growth due to its metamorphosis from caterpillar to butterfly.
⦁ It also represents the journey of change, resilience, and becoming a better version of oneself.
I was astounded about the 3rd symbolic meaning:
⦁ In some cultures, the swallowtail butterfly is seen as a messenger of the divine or a spiritual guide, symbolizing a connection to higher realms.
My heart sank. My stomach tied in knots as I pondered so fervently that very moment of all the prayers said along those walks and that my friend was with me all along the way. But why the immediate message as I walked out of the doors of the church? And then I read…
⦁ The swallowtail butterfly represents freedom and independence. They are hopes of new beginnings, and having optimism of a new chapter in life. Butterflies are often seen as free-spirited creatures, and the swallowtail, with its large, graceful wings, emphasizes the joy of freedom and living life untethered.
⦁ They also represent resilience and strength, and the ability to overcome challenges. They represent the vibrance of beauty, grace, elegance, and strength.
⦁ They witness the delicate balance of life
⦁ Black = Transformation
⦁ Yellow = Joy and Hope
⦁ Blue = Divinity.

“Divinity…The Divine Nature of God and the sacredness within what is embodied; Transcendence represent qualities or powers are experienced by human understanding and exist beyond the physical or material sphere”
In that very moment, I knew without a doubt, that the Holy Ghost was testifying of truth; preparing me for an event that was about to take place. A divine message was being delivered by my friend, the sweet, beautiful swallowtail that my baby boy, was going to pass on through the invisible veil on Earth into the doors of Heaven and be welcomed…embraced by Our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I suddenly raced to my bedroom, reverently closed the door, and had a sacred conversation through prayer, as to whether I was seeking meaning of this butterfly was true. My conformation as my chest felt warm and tears began to flow, that indeed, Ben was going to take his life, and it was to be soon. Ben was going to be free as was defined through my research. God confirmed to me how proud he was of Ben for his strength…resilience…endurance he faced while living on Earth. And God was confirming to me of his transformation of Ben’s pain into Ben’s freedom. He no more will be in pain.

God also confirmed to me what sorrow and pain I will feel. It was confirmed to me that I will have a new chapter in my life that I will need to learn to cope and grieve with. God reminded me through the butterfly that death isn’t easy – for anyone – including God. My Heavenly Father reminded me and reassured to me that He will suffer along side me and carry my burdens and make them light as I mourn, and will always mourn for the presence of Ben in whom I saw, will no longer be with me.

Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father loved me so much, that they were preparing me for something that was going to be painful for me. They sent me a message prior to the day that Ben was going to take his life, because they knew – because of my own mental illness – it may have possibly led to me taking my life as well. These Holy Beings were sharing with me that my story wasn’t over. They concluded to me, that they were in sorrow of Ben’s choice he will make, but with the gift of agency we have, Ben will choose to leave this Earth. And the Godhead loved me so much, and knew me so well, that They knew within the moment it would happen, it would be more than I, as his mother, could bear.

The following days, I pleaded with Ben to go to lunch with me. He refused. I pleaded with him to go to the hospital. He refused. I received a text “Always remember, no matter what, I love you”. I hesitated to respond. And of course, as a loving mother, I texted one of the most beautiful God-inspired text expressing my deepest and truest love to him, which I felt would be the last. I reassured him that I’m always here for him. He replied, “I know”.

The butterfly flew by my nose on a Sunday, the research, prayers and confirmation were received on a Monday, and Saturday, July 16, 2022, 10:00am that morning, Ben took his life.
I was a frantic mess. Although I was prepared, the reality of it, was excruciating and unbearable. My heart pounded blood through my veins that I could literally feel the throbbing of the blood. I kept repeating over and over like a lunatic, “This isn’t happening! This isn’t happening! This isn’t happening!” I was being tormented and horrified of the visuality of his actions! It was fierce and I felt like I was going mad. I felt my soul being crushed. My entire body was shaking as if I was in seizure. It was insufferable and I wasn’t sure I could live with this even one extra moment. I was a frantic mess and all I wanted to do was go with him. I thought about it often that day.
But, the Holy Ghost reminded me of the butterfly – and within ounces of seconds in the midst of so much oppressive pain, grief, unbelief, and sorrow – the visions of my swallowtail friend – and the comforts I felt of this day as I knelt beside my bed, kept me alive.

The next 48 hours are a blur and too traumatic to talk about. However, within those 48 hours, I mentioned to my husband Heath, about the butterfly. He paused with a gasp, and he choked up as he told me that on his hike, the morning Ben passed away, he had bent down to tie his shoe, and a swallowtail butterfly landed right before him on a boulder. Heath, too, was receiving the message.

I spoke at Ben’s funeral. I don’t know why but I felt compelled to share my experiences with this butterfly, and that I was prepared by Heavenly Father that Ben was going to take his life…I just didn’t know when. A week later, one of Ben’s best friends, came over to the house with tears flowing down his face. He told me that he had something to share with me. With such grief in his heart and throat, he found strength to tell me that the day that Ben took his life, he was up in a meadow in the mountains and a flurry, a cyclone, of swallowtail butterflies appeared right before him and swirled up in the sky.
A neighborhood friend of mine brought over a gift to me. I didn’t want to see anyone, so she left a note. She shared with me that she made this gift of condolences was before the funeral. She didn’t know why, but she was prompted to make such a thing – but she did. It was a paper mâché of a swallowtail butterfly.

I received sympathy cards from people that didn’t even attend the funeral – and the majority of the cards included pictures of a swallowtail butterfly.
Reminders continued daily. That Ben was free. He was happy. I was reminded that that life in my chapter has ended, and I it was reiterated within each site of a swallowtail that was everywhere, that I needed to start a new chapter. A chapter of hope, reassurance, and grace.

Months after Ben passed away, we had this family picture taken. It was planned and coordinated with air flights for over a year. Ben was supposed to be there. And he was. In the garden within the flowers where the picture was taken, there the wings of a swallowtail butterfly fluttered with a message of Ben’s transformation, and a message that God loves me enough to prepare me for my son’s death. God knew I couldn’t do it without His Divine Help.
What’s even more unusual about these several miracles, is that the Utah climate, isn’t even in the realm where swallowtail butterflies fly to. Yet, they did. And they still do. They appear everywhere reminding me that Ben that he is free from pain, and I still have work to do. The butterflies are seen by friends and neighbors – and remind them too of Ben’s prolonging pain while he lived here on earth. And they, to, are remind us that God is in everything we do. We just need to let Him in.
And the Lord still sends the message – and so does Ben. He is no longer suffering. He is a complete and happy soul. His spirit lives on and is ever so present with me. He reminds me that I will see him again, when my work here on Earth is complete. The butterfly reminds me of strength, resilience, and persesrvence – and so I shall do that – in memory of Ben, and honor to God.
Mental illness is real. Mental illness needs awareness. Mental illness needs you!